The other day I joined a friend for a rare cup of coffee in town. I say rare, because it is something I don't do often... take a day off from everything and everybody, and go and sit in a down-town cafe and just natter about life, love and everything else. One of my "internal dialogues" goes something like this: "you need to be working and productive, you cannot take time to goof off, you have to be busy at work and capable, you have to pay your way through life, and contribute just as much if not more than anyone else."
Anyone else have that dialogue going? Or a dialogue that keeps you persistantly persuing some activity or other, in a nagging phonic loop? Like, "I can't eat that chocolate cake, or spend money on myself, or I need to be as skinny as I was when I was twenty something, or I cannot take time off for me, or the house needs to be spotless in case the queen drops by for a visit, or I need to out-perform others in order for people to see my worth, or ..... "
I found myself saying the other day to my husband, after a particularly gruelling weekend of renovation, ".... well, now nobody can call me lazy, can they?"
Huh? Where did THAT come from? The one characteristic that I would definitely say is not one of mine, is laziness. In fact, I err on the opposite end of the spectrum, where I keep on working, and feel really really guilty if I am not working, or if I am taking time out and doing nothing of "value".
I decided to do some self-work on the issue of laziness, to see where it had come from. Where in my past had I been lazy? Who had held me up as the poster child for laziness before? Where had I made that critical decision that in order to survive, people had to recognise that I work hard (and harder or hardest) so they could never think I was lazy?
The first thing to do was to go into a space of meditation. So I closed the door to the outside world, lit the candles and some incense, allowed my energy to calm into a deep meditative space, and I asked the voice of LAZINESS to speak within me.
Surprise, surprise, it wasn't my voice.
It was a chorus of voices, all of them very loud, male and female, telling me that I would never amount to anything because I was so lazy. When I looked at myself receiving this information, I was far, far younger... a child, a teenager.
And then, asking my higher self to assist and guide me, opening my throat chakra to hear and receive this voice of laziness, and asking my soul truth to express itself, I invited the voices, one by one, to come forward and say what they needed to say. But not to say it to the child and the teenager I used to be, (and often is still within me) but to the adult me, with this adult awareness of consciousness. The adult me who works hard almost all the time, and who needs permission to take time off.
- It was a teacher, who called me lazy and humiliated me in front of the class once too often ... and so I stopped working completely in his class, almost with the attitude of, well, 'if I have the label I might as well behave the way you think of me'.
- It was an authority figure who completely stressed and frazzled with his life, took it out on the kids around him, and used them to do everything while he sat in a space of anger and blame, getting angry with them when they didn't do what he wanted, and labelling them with words that fit HIM more than the kids. He was in a space of mirroring and reflecting, not in a space of reality, but of course as a kid, how could I know that?
- It was a parent who, crippled by depression, simply couldn't do much of anything for a long time, and it was MY WORD that I had used to label her with when I took over the running of the house at a young age. As an adult, I absolutely understand the crippling power of depression; as a child, how could I?
- It was a younger me that had made a decision that said... in order to be able to control your environment and SURVIVE at a basic level,you need not only to be working all the time, but also to be seen to be working. It was a younger me that made the decision that said approval and recognition only come if you are seen to be working to the level that meets with somebody else's ideal of what hard work looks like.
Wow, those were huge insights right there. And so, in this awareness of where this surpressed energy inside of me had come from, I asked the LAZINESS what its message was for me? What it was trying to tell me about my life? And the answer was so clear: 1) to help me control and protect my environment, so that I could feel safe, and 2) to allow me to gain approval and recognition from others.
And the minute I got that truth, I could feel the rigid belief system of "you have to work your butt off in order to survive" beginning to crumble. For years I have been trying to work "smart" and not hard, but how can I really get that right when a fundamental belief system has been programmed into my energy since my early child-hood?
How can I work smart and earn smart money, when my truth says "nothing comes for free, and if it is not visibly covered in sweat, blood and tears it is not worth it" ?? How can I earn money or be succesful unless other people see the hard work going on?
Do you see how this works?
The programme that gets cemented in place as a young child ends up running the show as an adult until we are awake enough to challenge it ... and change it if neccesary. For me - this time - it was around this issue or laziness and hard work. What is yours? One of my clients has an issue that says "no relationship ever lasts"; another has an issue that says " unless I do everything for everyone, I am not worth anything"; another has an issue around health, another around weight, still another around sex and intimacy. Do you have a limiting belief?
The point is that we all have these limiting programmes, that WE put in place as children, with the awareness we had as a child. I made my decision for this coping mechanism about laziness at the ripe old age of 6. It might be appropriate at 6. It sure ain't helpful as a 49 year old woman!
Where to from here?
- healing that child within me, with the conciousness of the adult I now am. Sending the love, safety, approval and recognition I needed then to the child I was, from the adult I now am.
- opening my heart chakra and simply pouring the love and awareness from my adult me to the child within me.
- hearing the message the LAZY voice wanted me to hear, and thanking this part of me for going through this experience so that I can now act with awareness as an adult.
- moving into witnessing and concious behaviour and to set MY OWN ADULT LEVEL of what smart work looks and feels like ... in other words, re-writing the programme.
Today, to choose to remember that I AM THE PROGRAMMER, and not the programme.
What voices are keeping you stuck? What internal dialogues are running your life?
Today, I choose to work SMART and not simply hard or long. To respect the voices and needs inside of me, and to give them the love and approval they need from my current space of awareness and consciousness. And oh yes .... to give myself time to relax, to goof off, to take time for coffee every now and then.
Does this resonate with anyone? I would love to hear from you!